For The Love Of Disney (Part II)

One of my first ever posts, For The Love Of Disney, got a lot of love when I published it, which is weird because it's probably the post I've spent the least time over! Anyway, as a thank you for all the wonderful comments I've had over the last three months, and for the astonishing number of page views the blog has received, I thought it was time for Round 2. Still the same premise as last time: what Disney films have taught me. I hope you enjoy it as much as Part I. Do keep letting me know what you guys are liking/not liking - it's always great to hear from you and get some feedback. Hope you're all well!

1. Pocahontas.

What Pocahontas taught me was that it's totes ok to disobey your father if there's a blonde hottie on the scene. Especially a blonde hottie, with a dubious British accent, who's arrived on a boat with a load of gun-toting racists. Gotta love a bad boy. It also taught me that peace between nations can be achieved by showing said hottie a family of bears and some coloured wind. So essentially, what we should be doing, is sending Al-Qaeda a bunch of David Attenborough documentaries. Thank you Pocahontas! I also learned that, in fashion, less is definitely more. Which might explain why I thought it ok to go out in an outfit like this:

I can now admit that this was a bad lesson to take away from the film, and I apologise to any John Smith's I may have offended.


2. Mulan.

Mulan taught me that it is absolutely fine to run away and become a cross-dresser - as long a you can win a medal for it. Which kinda reminds me of this meme:

On a side note - did anyone else find it a bit weird/gay that the Captain fancies Mulan after she 'comes out' as a girl? Ah well, I suppose if you're into that kinda stuff... I would also like to know how three men managed to hoist up a large horse, a very muscular man and a girl, both wearing armour, in the midst of an avalanche - how did Mulan manage to tie the string so quickly so it lifted up all three of them? Cross-dressers are so talented.


3. Sleeping Beauty.

I hear ya sister. Living with three old maids for 18 years would make me want to sleep for a century too. Personally, I think Maleficent is given a pretty hard time in the film. I mean, she's a pretty good looking woman - just check out those killer cheekbones. Incredible! The fairy godmothers, on the other hand, are short, old, and fat. Who left whom off the invite list again?  Just saying. However, the film was definitely successful in teaching children one thing in particular: needles are bad. Especially ones that send you to 'sleep'... read that as you will. It also taught me that if you're ever in trouble, a guy that you've only met ONCE will totally come to your rescue. Which reminds me - better put that random I met at Mahiki's last week on speed dial. 


4. Cinderella.

Cinderella taught me that if you are nice to mice then they will make a dress for you. Similarly, if you sing when you wake up in the morning, your back will be washed by birds in the shower. Well I've been doing both these things for 22 years and no mouse has ever made me a ball gown, and no bloody bird has washed my back. Disney's a fucking liar. But that aside, let's be honest: Cinderella is about as compelling as a wet flannel. No wonder her stepmother gave her so many chores - she was probably trying to instil some semblance of a backbone in her. Slave labour? No! It's character building! Also, not to be a bitch, but I preferred Cinderella pre-ball-makeover. The result's a little too 'gypsy wedding' for me. Tone it down.


5. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

According to Snow White, you can escape your horrible circumstances at home, shack up with a bunch of small men in the woods, and society will not think any less of you. I happen to think Snow White's a bit of a hoe. I mean, first she makes the huntsman fall in love with her so she doesn't get killed, then she leads on a group of dwarves (who probably have enough trouble being small and dwarfish without her screwing them over), and finally gets some hot prince to come wake her up from a spiked apple. Personally, I would have left her there. The world would be a safer place for all men. Plus what kind of idiot takes shit from strangers - especially ugly old women with warts. Just a tip: if the warts have spread to their face, you don't really want anything they've got.


What have Disney movies taught you?

Love,
Belle x

For the Love of Disney

Before you read on, let me just clarify a few things. Liking Disney films does not make me sad, uncool or immature. Nor am I one of those girls who believes that her Prince Charming is just around the corner, a fairy godmother is going to pop up on my doorstep, or that all stories have a happy ending. Got it? Great. Now we can continue. If you, like me, grew up in the 90's, I'm sure your childhood was made up of many happy memories watching Disney films on VCR - so many times that the lines, tunes and words of songs are all permanently stamped on your brain. Although the digital age has moved us all on to DVD's and .avi files, there still remains that undeniable sense of enveloping calm and happiness when the titles start to roll, which no other children's film house (is there any other?) provides. Just FYI, I'm talking about the hand-drawn, 2D animation films here - not the live-actions or infinitely inferior 3D's of the more modern films. To me, these later offerings are total sacrilege, and probably would demand a post all to themselves. So, you might ask, what is the point of this post? It is not, as you might expect, to rave on about how much I love Disney (which I do, but that's a bit dull and boring, isn't it.), rather I'd like to share just what I have learned, or gained, from Disney, and I guess to kind of say thanks for that.

1. The Lion King.

Hands up who doesn't like The Lion King. No one? Yeah, that's right. With voices from the likes of Jeremy Irons, Whoopi Goldberg and Rowan Atkinson, and music from Elton John, you'd be forgiven for forgetting that it's actually an adaptation of Hamlet! Yeah! Bet you wish you'd used that in your English GCSE. I mean, now that you know, how could you have missed it: your father's brother kills your dad and sends you away, you return as 'the prodigal son' to see that your uncle has shacked up with your mum and has totally mucked up the kingdom, Pumba and Timone are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Raffiki is 'the gravedigger' through which Simba achieves his 'Yorick' moment... Of course, Nala can't exactly be equated with Ophelia - probably because suicide isn't really one for the kids - but you get the gist. 


2. Beauty and the Beast.

You know what Beauty and the Beast taught me? That smart girls choose the 'Beast' over the 'Beauty'. Arguably, Belle ended up with the ugliest of the Disney Princes - even after his transformation back into the long-haired, Michael Hutchence lookalike at the end of the movie. But you know what? Prince Charming never built Snow White a library, or had a snowball fight with Cinderella, or took Sleeping Beauty out for dinner and a dance. So the real moral of this movie? Choose the underdog, ladies - you'll have a better time.


3. Aladdin.

Aladdin. The perfect example of how a relationship should not be. Can I just point something out? Aladdin lies. The whole time. He also steals that magic lamp when we've just been shown that he's a known criminal. He's not exactly someone you want dating your daughter, let alone leaving your carefully tended kingdom to. If Aladdin was transposed into modern day, Aladdin would be the hooded drug dealer in the suped-up Suzuki Ibiza you see driving around, asking anything in a skirt "Wot u doin' l8r, sxy?" Nothing. Please go away.


4. The Little Mermaid.

You know what? Sometimes parents know best. I don't know if you saw, but there are plenty of good-looking mermen swimming around Atlantica for Ariel to choose from. But no. She had to fall for the only guy who doesn't accept her for who she really is. If that's not an unhealthy message to send young impressionable girls, I don't know what is. Also, she totally blows off her best friends for some guy she's only met once. I'm not saying that I've not made that mistake once or twice, I just didn't move away and marry the douchebag. 


5. Peter Pan.

Guys do not like girls who mother them. Simple as. Wendy needs to learn how to cut loose and get a little crazy. Take a leaf out of Princess Tigerlily's book. You're only young once. Unless you live in NeverNeverLand, in which case - party on.


6. Hercules.

Sometimes girls make some truly terrible life decisions. I mean, Meg sells her soul to Hades for some twerp she used to date. But I'll finish with this final note: the real hero is not the one who can kill a multi-headed monster, or defeat the Titans, it's the one who will love you despite your indiscretions. Also - keep an eye on the nerdy-looking gangly guys, they usually go pretty far.


What have Disney movies taught you?

Love,
Belle x