Commitment.

Here's something I wrote a few weeks back but had forgotten all about...give it a read and tell me if you agree or disagree!


Back in secondary school, one of the texts we had to study for English was Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. The first line of this book is pretty famous. It - ironically - dictates:

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."

It just so happens that 2013 marks the 200th anniversary of the publication of P&P, and it seems no irony has been lost in these two centuries: men simply don't want to commit.

Now, before I get hate-mail from a barrage of single men desperate to find a lucky lady, let me explain myself. I have a theory, that if you are a man over the age of 18, you have a fear of commitment. Humour me by casting your mind back to ye olde age of innocence, when things were simple, and you and your teenage boyfriend/girlfriend planned out your wedding and picked baby names together, and you thought everything would last forever... But it didn't though, did it. Now, while you ladies have moved on and had subsequent relationships with other people, my theory is that your teenage boyfriend still bears scars from your breakup - scars that can result an inability to commit fully to another person, because they don't ever want to go through the hurt, disappointment, and/or rejection that they went through the first time round. I can hear the sound of masculine indignation right about now, but bear with me and hear me out. 

I have a friend, who, by his own admission, "cannot commit to a sandwich" - and, in my experience, he's not alone. After splitting with my boyfriend of 3 years at 20, I have had precisely three relationships worth noting - two of which have ended because the guy was scared of committing. Now, perhaps these have just been easy excuses to get out of a situation that was slowly killing them (HA.), but IF we take them for their word (and trust me, it took them quite a while to admit this was the reason), then we're left with the question: If guys are scared of committing, why do they get into a relationship? Well, ladies and gents, I have a theory for this too. I have another friend who, like myself, is currently in his final year at university. In the past three years, his choice of post-university career path has changed from spy, to lawyer, to pilot, and I now believe he is currently planning on going into banking. He likes to determine his future on what sounds cool at parties. Now, I'm the first to admit that I don't know what precisely what I'm going to do after university, but my point is that I believe guys have a similar attitude when it comes to relationships: they like the sound of 'having a girlfriend' - just not necessarily the practicality.  

Now before you palm me off as some kind of psycho who pictures herself waltzing down the aisle with every guy she meets, I don't believe 'commitment' in a relationship necessarily equals marriage. For me, it simply means putting some sort of effort into being there for another person. The truth is, girls love again and again, without fear or hesitation. I don't believe the same can be said about men - at least between the ages of 18 and 30. You only need to look at the countless relationships that are sustained through the legwork of one half: the women. Granted, the initial 'chase' does come, more often than not, from the guys, but after that, they tend to start treading water rather than swim - and it's left to their girlfriends to pull the relationship along. One argument is that it's just not natural for men to commit to another human being at this age, or even, at all. After all, the male species is not designed to be tied down to one partner - it's all about 'mass-production'; sowing your wild oats as far and wide as possible. If that's the case, how come there are so many (seemingly) happy marriages? Or marriage at all? We've all heard the - proven - theory that men mature mentally slower than women. If so, maybe that explains why the 'trauma' of their first failed relationship affects them so deeply. Perhaps guys just take longer to get over disappointment than women. That's not any knock on your masculinity, male readers, it's just scientific theory. 

Curious to know if anyone thinks the same, or if I'm just a bitter old witch, I asked a couple of friends:

"Do you think guys, on the whole, are scared of commitment?"

"I think they are at first. But if they really care about a girl they forget about their fears. At the end of the day, men are designed to protect and help women."

"I think that it really does depend on the individual. Different people want different things at different stages in their lives. On the whole though, if we're looking at the 18-24 Thomas Cook Holidays target age group, I'd say a majority of them don't like commitment. Not scared of it per se, but worry in the back of their mind that while they're young and more or less free they might not have seen all there is to see, and good old FOMO (of a sort) kicks in. It's not all cynicism though - perhaps some guys might not be thinking a whole leap into the future, so when the topic comes up or their significant other starts hinting at things beyond his current scope of interest, he might feel like he isn't reciprocating those feelings. Not wanting to feel like that's unfair and wanting to avoid a disagreement or say something daft he backs off. "


"A lot of guys our age don't want commitment but I'd say so are just as many girls -  as a rough law of averages. In short, to adhere to the line 'On the whole', guys, are just as 'scared' of commitment as girls are,  I wouldn't say one particular gender are less likely to commit than another. But I would say is that, yes - and this has been the case since (liberal/non marital)relationships began in society/civilisation - young men have been scared of commitment - perhaps famously more than young women. Yet I think both sexes probably equally 'scared' of commitment. Women are now able to express their desires to sample to the same extent men have done for over two millennia."

"I think they give in to temptation too easily if it comes their way. Some are good guys, they're loyal to their other halves but even if they do cheat doesn't mean they are scared of committment, it just means they don't have much self control. Our generation is more liberal than it used to be, along with the fact there's no presure in getting married so young anymore. Therefore guys to take advantage of that and it has become 'cool' to sleep around. It doesn't however mean they are scared of committment, it just means they are able to put it off a few years longer than our parents may have."

Obviously there are exceptions to the rule. I know couples that have had previous serious relationships and are still wholeheartedly committed to one another - but there is a large proportion of men who just aren't ready...yet. I guess the only thing to do is to play the guys at their own game: go out, be young, and have a good time. Prince Charming will come a-knockin' when he's good and ready.

Love,
Belle x

Commitment.

Great Expectations

Last week, one of my best friends told me about Lana Del Rey's extended video for her new single Ride. Three words: I'm in love. Lana's been my girl crush for over a year now, and her videos never fail to impress - but this one takes it to a whole new level. Check it out:

In the monologue, which is fantastic, there was one phrase that stuck with me: "If I said that I didn't plan for it to turn out this way, I'd be lying..." - and it got me thinking about how our expectations, the hopes, dreams, and sometimes fears we had for ourselves many years ago, have transpired. 

In a month, I'll be 22. Not very old, I would argue, but old enough to be 'grown up', by anyone's standards. Recently, I re-read my journal that I kept over my Gap Year in Italy. I realised that I haven't really grown up at all since then: I'm still making the same mistakes, still not doing enough with my time, and still haven't figured out the answers to questions I had in my teens. The girl - or woman - I had hoped I would become still hasn't appeared. By now, I had hoped to be one of those people who went to the gym every week, ate three healthy meals a day, didn't need a man to feel complete, focused on her studies and general improvement of herself, and had so many friends that she would spend every evening going for drinks. Instead, I haven't set foot in a gym in about 2 years, I'm lucky to make anything more than a cup of tea for breakfast, feel better about myself when I've got a boyfriend, focused on anything other than work or self-improvement, and have friends who are probably too busy doing the things I'm not to have cocktails. Sex in the City my life is not. Yet, at the same time, I'm not exactly surprised. There are certain things that you can tell will never happen. For example, I'm certain I will never become an astronaut, or a heroin addict - or a combination of the two. But the rest is a bit of a grey area. I always admire those sensible people, who get up and go for a jog every morning before reading the paper over a bowl of low-fat muesli, but I have to admit - I don't envy them. Perhaps it's just me, but isn't life more exciting when you don't have any expectations? When you don't set yourself deadlines to complete X or Y? Or maybe I'm just lazy and bad with pressure (actually, there's no maybe in there - I am lazy and bad with pressure). I'd like to think I'm one of those people who just grabs an opportunity when it goes past, rather than putting on my safari hat and going looking for one - because it's the things that you don't see coming that make life worth living, isn't it? It's the surprises that turn out to be successes, the people you never expect to like becoming your best friends, and - in a way - the relationships you thought would never end, ending, that make us who we are - not the goals, expectations and hopes we pin upon ourselves.

Curious to see whether I was alone in this, I asked a few friends whether who they are now had lived up to their own expectations. This is what they said:

Rosie, 21: "I can't really remember what I wanted to be like when I was older. Although I remember looking at friends sisters and thinking how amazing, stylish and cool they were! They were driving around, went out all the time and just oozed 'coolness' and I probably thought I wanted to be like them. I thought sixth form would be amazing, then I thought uni would be the best time of my life and I could do whatever I wanted, but not so much!! I probably wanted to be a little skinner with less spots - I was told as I got older my spots would go - they lied! I probably thought I'd be living in london, living the high life, going out all the time and not have a care in the world! So no, I probably didn't live up to what I thought I was going to be, but in a way it's better than what you can imagine. I've carved my own life, my own friends and just enjoy every day. I try to think that I only have a few months left before real life kicks in - but maybe that will throw up some surprises on the way!!"

Becca, 21: "Yes I think so. It’s possibly even better than I expected. In my teens I worried about whether there would be a time in my life that I would be completely alone and if I would be able to cope without my friends or family who I have depended on so much in the past, but having moved to Spain three months ago not knowing a soul here in this city, without a place to live and not understanding the bus system, I can safely say that it’s all worked out really well and I started to feel settled and at home here after about a week. The only thing I can think of that my 16 year-old self would be disappointed with is my smoking habit!"

Hannah, 21: "I visioned myself as this sophisticated working gal with good job moved out from home etc... but I hadn't really factored in university and when I'd have graduated. With the recession and job market I have now factored in the fact that life isn't a walk in the park, I will get job rejections and probably not the exact dream job I'd invisaged to get with the click of my fingers. How very naive I was."

Amy, 22: "Well, let’s start with who I was at sixteen, entering the real world for the first time and making the decision of my life… who, or what am I going to be? I was full of optimism and interest. I had many aspirations and dreams. I used my free time to volunteer in a number of things, none of which matter now but the purpose was to create some meaning in my life, to make a difference. That’s what I wanted to do. Make a difference. Although then, I didn’t know how. I guess I imagined myself as some sort of activist or journalist or humanist, fighting for peoples’ rights and being an advocate. Travelling; finding myself in interesting and out of the ordinary places, meeting new and exciting people. Making real differences in real peoples’ lives. I always knew I wanted something like that, people orientated founded on good qualities and values, so after college I took a year out and thought about it, not without the obligatory bit of travelling mind. So now I’m twenty-two and I’ve just started my first job as a qualified nurse in critical care unit in a busy city centre hospital. Did I ever think that I’d become a nurse when I was 16? No. To be honest it never crossed my mind, it just hit me one day that that is what I wanted to do and I’ve loved it ever since. Honesty and kindness and all of those qualities that I wanted in my life are paramount to my role as well as a certain degree of critical thinking and intelligence. I get to do all of the things I always wanted to do, all rounded up in a little job that most of you probably never think twice about. I’m starting a career that holds lots of hope and opportunity, I just have to go out and find it.
So, have I lived up to the expectation of who I wanted to be? I suppose so, just not in the way I initially imagined; sometimes I feel that I’ve fallen into the mundane slog of day to day life, getting up at 6am, paying bills and spending the rest of my wages on meaningless shit that makes me temporarily happy but this is my life and it will do for now, afterall I’m just getting started. Oh, and as for finding myself in all those interesting and unusual places? Meeting new and exciting people and making some real differences? Well, I guess that’s what comes next…"

My Mother (age withheld coz she's a lay-dee): "Well, I think that dreams are very dramatic when you are young, and you play such a central role in your own story. As you mature, you realise that outside forces (chance, fate, genetics) play a much stronger role in life than you thought and this makes you more tolerant and forgiving of yourself and others. Your hopes and dreams change; you learn to appreciate gentleness, kindness and good humour, and perceive a happy family life to be far more desirable and satisfying than the worldly success or fortune you may have striven to achieve in your youth."


There's a great quote by the Japanese author Hakuri Murakami, which I think rounds up this post quite well:

"No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That's all."

Love,

Belle x

Be This Guy.

School Daze

Here's something I've been writing for a job application, but I thought I might just put it on here as something for y'all to read and think about...

A friend said to me the other day, “you’re going to look back in 20 years and think of your school days as the best days of your life”. This sentence struck terror in my heart. Am I alone in hoping that every year will be better than their school years? Am I the only person who would prefer to never see anyone they went to school with again? Was my negative experience of school all that unusual? I decided to ask around. 

My experience of school was at an all-girls boarding school, set in 100 acres, and surrounded by absolutely nothing. It’s a well-known school, one that has seen Kate Middleton, Clare Balding and Lady Gabriella Windsor come and go, and has produced two members of the reality TV show Made in Chelsea. I had moved to the UK from Australia, to take up a music scholarship that had been offered to me, and prior to arriving, I had hopes that attending a boarding school would be an experience akin to that of Hogwarts, or Mallory Towers. And I’m sure, to most of my year, it was - it’s just that my experience was very different. Coming from Australia to an all-girls boarding school can lend you a certain caché - if you fit the stereotype of blonde, lithe and tanned, and came shooting out of the womb ready to master every sport. Unfortunately, this was not me. I was awkward-looking, to put it lightly: long red-brown hair, pale, freckles and sticky-out ears, with low self-confidence and bad posture (to try and conceal the fact that I already had tits, age 11, how embarrassing). I also knew no-one, and everybody seemed to already know each other. It was a club that I was not a member of, a party that I wasn’t invited to. I will not bore you with the details of bad episodes at the hands of other girls - I will only say it did happen, and it made my life very hard and very lonely. I arrived an intelligent girl, ahead in all her studies, and quickly became the class joker - sacrificing my academic performance for a performance I hoped would gain me some friends. Popularity, both in and outside of school, ruled my life, and I spent years ‘perfecting’ myself for others’ approval. I left school with one good friend, and with a burning desire to never return, and to distance myself entirely. I was also tired. Tired of the cruelty that comes from girls who spend 24 hours in each other’s company with nothing else to do but form social hierarchies. I was tired of trying to be someone else for someone else, and the never-ending pressure that puts on oneself. I was ready for a change, and university offered me a clean slate to do so. I had escaped from the spider’s web that is the public school network, and, for the first time ever, decided to just be myself. Ironically, I now find it easier to make friends than I did at school, because I’m not bothered about whether they think that reply to their question was ‘weird’, if my outfit is too over-thought or contrived, or whether my ears stick out too much with my hair tied up. 

This isn’t to say that I look down upon, or pity, those who can reminisce about their school days as their ‘golden years’. I wish I had such fond memories as many of you do. But ask yourselves this: if your ‘best days’ were those spent in an institution as an awkward teen, where do you go from there? How can you put the most into your life, here and now, if you believe that it’s never going to improve on what it was at 18? For me, my many failings and unhappiness at school have spurred me on to seek success through happiness for my future; to focus not on what I haven’t had, but focus on what I could have. My very own pursuit of happiness, if you will. But don’t just listen to me. Here are some of your thoughts on the subject.

“Would you say your school days were the best days of your life?” 

Edmund, 21: I was indifferent towards my time at school. I didn’t have a bad experience, but I prefer my life since school. I’d probably say the best days of my life were on my Gap Year - no responsibilities, and the ability to do whatever I wanted.

Rosie, 21: YES! not the classes but 6th form was the best time ever. Turning 18, big parties and with everyone. You see everyone you're closest to every single day and you don’t miss them! I loved school.

Harry, 21: I had a great time at school, it was awesome fun - but I’ve had a better time at uni so far. Why would I resign myself to the belief that was as good as its going to get - I’m not even a third of the way through my life!

James, 20: The first six years were tough, but I look back proudly at where I've come from - living with your friends for 7 years was a good experience and prepared me well for the future. Some of the best and worst days of my life no doubt.

Hannah, 21: Yes, but only the last two years.

Louis, 17: School is food on your plate, money in your bank account, clothes on your back, a nice warm bed just for you, and a house full of love. The only thing you have to worry about is whether or not your doing well at school, or petty arguments that you have with your friends/enemies. Even if you fall out with someone, nothing really matters, as soon those will all be in the past. The things which will later tear you apart, such as job interviews, extra work, and true love crisis' are long in the future. All you have to worry about is yourself, and even though that might seem selfish, it’s really a huge relief. Childhood and your school days are a dream come true.

Claire, 20: I'd say that upper sixth, along with my experiences at university, would be what id call the best years of my life so far. the years before are just full of awkward  trying-to-fit-in moments and bratty young teenage girls!

My Friend's Mum (age withheld, obv): Are you serious!! I am very nostalgic about school days but they are nothing like what your generation will have as even a remotely similar experience...

Iona, 21: It’s like marmite...I love it because I met some interesting people, and learnt the occasional interesting thing, and I never had to pay bills, or check the oil in my car. Everything seemed more exciting with rules you could break without a spell behind bars. However, kids are mean, and money was available from a tap only my parents could turn on. All in all you could say that they were, although, there is no time but the present, and when school was my present I couldn't wait to leave. So on that note, no - school days were not the best days of my life, I'm still looking for them.

Then and Now - what a difference 10 years makes.

What was your experience of school? 

Love,

Belle x