In the monologue, which is fantastic, there was one phrase that stuck with me: "If I said that I didn't plan for it to turn out this way, I'd be lying..." - and it got me thinking about how our expectations, the hopes, dreams, and sometimes fears we had for ourselves many years ago, have transpired.
In a month, I'll be 22. Not very old, I would argue, but old enough to be 'grown up', by anyone's standards. Recently, I re-read my journal that I kept over my Gap Year in Italy. I realised that I haven't really grown up at all since then: I'm still making the same mistakes, still not doing enough with my time, and still haven't figured out the answers to questions I had in my teens. The girl - or woman - I had hoped I would become still hasn't appeared. By now, I had hoped to be one of those people who went to the gym every week, ate three healthy meals a day, didn't need a man to feel complete, focused on her studies and general improvement of herself, and had so many friends that she would spend every evening going for drinks. Instead, I haven't set foot in a gym in about 2 years, I'm lucky to make anything more than a cup of tea for breakfast, feel better about myself when I've got a boyfriend, focused on anything other than work or self-improvement, and have friends who are probably too busy doing the things I'm not to have cocktails. Sex in the City my life is not. Yet, at the same time, I'm not exactly surprised. There are certain things that you can tell will never happen. For example, I'm certain I will never become an astronaut, or a heroin addict - or a combination of the two. But the rest is a bit of a grey area. I always admire those sensible people, who get up and go for a jog every morning before reading the paper over a bowl of low-fat muesli, but I have to admit - I don't envy them. Perhaps it's just me, but isn't life more exciting when you don't have any expectations? When you don't set yourself deadlines to complete X or Y? Or maybe I'm just lazy and bad with pressure (actually, there's no maybe in there - I am lazy and bad with pressure). I'd like to think I'm one of those people who just grabs an opportunity when it goes past, rather than putting on my safari hat and going looking for one - because it's the things that you don't see coming that make life worth living, isn't it? It's the surprises that turn out to be successes, the people you never expect to like becoming your best friends, and - in a way - the relationships you thought would never end, ending, that make us who we are - not the goals, expectations and hopes we pin upon ourselves.
Curious to see whether I was alone in this, I asked a few friends whether who they are now had lived up to their own expectations. This is what they said:
Rosie, 21: "I can't really remember what I wanted to be like when I was older. Although I remember looking at friends sisters and thinking how amazing, stylish and cool they were! They were driving around, went out all the time and just oozed 'coolness' and I probably thought I wanted to be like them. I thought sixth form would be amazing, then I thought uni would be the best time of my life and I could do whatever I wanted, but not so much!! I probably wanted to be a little skinner with less spots - I was told as I got older my spots would go - they lied! I probably thought I'd be living in london, living the high life, going out all the time and not have a care in the world! So no, I probably didn't live up to what I thought I was going to be, but in a way it's better than what you can imagine. I've carved my own life, my own friends and just enjoy every day. I try to think that I only have a few months left before real life kicks in - but maybe that will throw up some surprises on the way!!"
Becca, 21: "Yes I think so. It’s possibly even better than I expected. In my teens I worried about whether there would be a time in my life that I would be completely alone and if I would be able to cope without my friends or family who I have depended on so much in the past, but having moved to Spain three months ago not knowing a soul here in this city, without a place to live and not understanding the bus system, I can safely say that it’s all worked out really well and I started to feel settled and at home here after about a week. The only thing I can think of that my 16 year-old self would be disappointed with is my smoking habit!"
Hannah, 21: "I visioned myself as this sophisticated working gal with good job moved out from home etc... but I hadn't really factored in university and when I'd have graduated. With the recession and job market I have now factored in the fact that life isn't a walk in the park, I will get job rejections and probably not the exact dream job I'd invisaged to get with the click of my fingers. How very naive I was."
Amy, 22: "Well, let’s start with who I was at sixteen, entering the real world for the first time and making the decision of my life… who, or what am I going to be? I was full of optimism and interest. I had many aspirations and dreams. I used my free time to volunteer in a number of things, none of which matter now but the purpose was to create some meaning in my life, to make a difference. That’s what I wanted to do. Make a difference. Although then, I didn’t know how. I guess I imagined myself as some sort of activist or journalist or humanist, fighting for peoples’ rights and being an advocate. Travelling; finding myself in interesting and out of the ordinary places, meeting new and exciting people. Making real differences in real peoples’ lives. I always knew I wanted something like that, people orientated founded on good qualities and values, so after college I took a year out and thought about it, not without the obligatory bit of travelling mind. So now I’m twenty-two and I’ve just started my first job as a qualified nurse in critical care unit in a busy city centre hospital. Did I ever think that I’d become a nurse when I was 16? No. To be honest it never crossed my mind, it just hit me one day that that is what I wanted to do and I’ve loved it ever since. Honesty and kindness and all of those qualities that I wanted in my life are paramount to my role as well as a certain degree of critical thinking and intelligence. I get to do all of the things I always wanted to do, all rounded up in a little job that most of you probably never think twice about. I’m starting a career that holds lots of hope and opportunity, I just have to go out and find it.
So, have I lived up to the expectation of who I wanted to be? I suppose so, just not in the way I initially imagined; sometimes I feel that I’ve fallen into the mundane slog of day to day life, getting up at 6am, paying bills and spending the rest of my wages on meaningless shit that makes me temporarily happy but this is my life and it will do for now, afterall I’m just getting started. Oh, and as for finding myself in all those interesting and unusual places? Meeting new and exciting people and making some real differences? Well, I guess that’s what comes next…"
My Mother (age withheld coz she's a lay-dee): "Well, I think that dreams are very dramatic when you are young, and you play such a central role in your own story. As you mature, you realise that outside forces (chance, fate, genetics) play a much stronger role in life than you thought and this makes you more tolerant and forgiving of yourself and others. Your hopes and dreams change; you learn to appreciate gentleness, kindness and good humour, and perceive a happy family life to be far more desirable and satisfying than the worldly success or fortune you may have striven to achieve in your youth."
There's a great quote by the Japanese author Hakuri Murakami, which I think rounds up this post quite well:
"No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That's all."
Love,
Belle x
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| Be This Guy. |
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