I am a worshipper of StumbleUpon. I literally think it's the greatest invention man has ever conceived. (If you do not know what StumbleUpon is, leave this post and sign up immediately.) Recently, it threw up this website:
Now, I am not a great lover of contemporary poetry. Most of it is too over-contrived and thought out for my liking, but StumbleUpon, being the best invention ever, dropped me on this poem...
I Did Not Keep Your Letters
I read them,
and then threw them in the trash,
but make no mistake, I read them.
I swallowed them whole,
I filled my eyes with every word,
I sewed them in patterns,
into the flesh of my body,
at night I wake to entertain the ghosts
lounging in my bedroom
with impromptu recitations
of your letters, of your thoughts,
of the shape of you in words
but I could not keep your letters.
I could not let them languish
in a dusty box, fermenting
into poisons in the closet dark.
I could not let them lie in wait,
like coiled paper vipers
ready to strike the hand that strays
too far and stirs the den.
...and it got me thinking - how do you deal with the debris (and I'm talking mostly metaphorical here, not the odd sock or used toothbrush) that's left behind when a relationship comes to an end?
I, perhaps unfortunately, have had quite a few relationships. Most were played out within a few years in my mid-teenage years - fraught, tumultuous, month-long love affairs that ended with indifference on either side - but a couple since then were meaningful, lasting, and beautiful. My first serious boyfriend wrote me letters; wonderful, heart-felt souvenirs that were a testament to the glorious naivety of teenage love. He played me the guitar, and we penned songs together. But it didn't work out, for many regrettable reasons; timing, university, my head-strong and resistant nature. Thankfully, with much hard work and emotion, we managed to become friends - although with so much history, it is hard to ever truly let go of the past. Recently, I found out another ex has a new girlfriend. We broke up around the beginning of the year - I am now also in a new, happy relationship - so why did the news of this strike like a thunderbolt into my heart? Now, before you palm me off as some vindictive psycho, let me just say this: I did not feel jealous. We all know, when a relationship ends, that the day is going to come when your ex-significant other finds someone new. This did not come as a surprise. Instead, the news blew in, and stirred up the forgotten dust that had collected in the corners of my heart - the debris that was left behind. So what did I do? I turned to StumbleUpon. That's right guys, it truly is the solution to any situation. And, like some kind of telepathic artificially-intelligent mastermind, it presented me with this beautiful piece of anonymous prose:
"Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no future love could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you'll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love would be, everything that was proven wrong."
To me, that pretty much sums it all up in a very neat nutshell. There will always be that slight pain when you hear the news of someone you held so dear, for so long, moving on - even if you can't stand them, or have nearly forgotten their name. Because there were moments when you took down all your barriers, and let them see you bare, and it still didn't guarantee that they'd stay. I think that will always hurt - whoever they were, and wherever you are now.
Do you agree?
Love,
Belle x
