Tune Tape Tuesdays #34

Holy Smokes, Batman. It's been THREE WEEKS since the last Tune Tape! Y'all must be dying for some new music, and I hope to give it to you in spades with this HUGE selection of tracks to keep you ticking over until the next time I find some internet. Unfortunately posts are getting harder to publish, as the absence of internet at the house I'm staying at is infuriating to say the least - this particular Tune Tape is coming to you live from The Brass Pig, a very respectable pub in which I'm taking up an entire sofa... The apres-work crowd doesn't seem to impressed with this. Perhaps they should try having no internet.

Anyway, enough complaining, time to talk music. This week's number one spot goes to Sam Smith, who has released a live acoustic version of the song he collaborated with Disclosure on, Latch. The original rocketed Disclosure from relatively obscurity into Electronic music's new favourite thing, but this version is, simply, beautiful. The amount of emotion Sam puts into his vocals is honestly breathtaking, and - unlike the original - the slowed tempo allows him to get his pitch spot on. 
Going in a completely different direction is the second song this week. Anyone who follows me on Facebook might have noticed I released a teaser of the content of this week's Tune Tape - Game of Thrones by Rameses B was said teaser. This song single-handedly combines two of my favourite things du jour: Game of Thrones (especially Ned Stark *tear*), and 'Chill-step' (that's slow, lingering Dubstep to you genre newbs). I've had my eye on Rameses B for a while now, and have great respect for the direction he's taking Dubstep in. Now that 'artists' (I use the term VERY loosely) like Justin Beiber have commercialised and belittled the genre, it's very hard to find anything original or credible. Thank God for real artists like Rameses B, that's what I say.
If this changeable weather we're currently enduring has got your knickers in a twist, calm your nerves with a dose of Prizes' Remix of Evening's song, Babe. Evening's Indie vocals are contrasted with multi-layers of beats and subtle sound effects to create an almost wave-like effect of sound and enjoyment. Let it wash over you.
If you'd rather party vertically than horizontally, have a play of ColeCo's You're So Fine - preferably looking at yourself in the mirror, first thing in the morning, in your pants. Tried and tested, my friends, tried and tested. 
Lane 8 is an artist that I'm really loving at the moment. The last few Tune Tapes have featured his tracks Be Mine and Every Night - this week I give you his interpretation of Spandau Ballet's classic: True. Featured in nearly every film either shot or set in the 80's, Lane 8 masterfully updates this guilty pleasure and makes it totally fresh and instantly addictive. 
I've been a fan of Mikky Ekko ever since Pull Me Down - and became an even bigger fan after his collaboration with Rihanna over what is probably my favourite song of 2013: Stay. This week he's released his new solo single, Kids, and the brilliant Monsieur Adi has already picked it up and remixed it. This guy never misses a trick. Funnily enough, it's actually got vibes of MGMT's track of the same name - although, admittedly, probably not so much of an instant classic. Nevertheless, it's super fun and catchy (without being cheesy), which is enough for my seal of approval.
If you are, like me, an early morning commuter, you will be familiar with BBC's Radio 1. Yesterday I heard them playing Disclosure's new release: F for You. But I'd already beaten them to it; nay, I'd already gone beyond, for I have found Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaur's Remix. Which is, quite simply, fabulous. I'd possibly go even as far as saying it's a stronger track than the original. But don't take my word for it - have a listen for yourself.
A remix that really took me by surprise this week was Kill Me With Colour's version of Bon Iver's Wolves. Expecting a fairly generic Chillwave take on the original made the surprising inclusion of one of the classics of old-skool HipHop all the more pleasurable. I won't spoil it for you. Go ahead. Enjoy.
If you liked Prizes remix of Babe, you'll probably enjoy Skyphos's take on Nina Simone's classic, Feel Good. I say probably. You will. Skyphos totally revamps the track, taking it apart to its most minimal, yet most recognisable, components, then layering some chilled sound effects over a rolling Chillwave synth beat. Perfect for those mornings when you don't want to get out of bed.
King Krule is a talented artist that is only going one way: up. This month he's put his hand to DJing, laying his own recognisable sound onto female rapper Angel Haze's New York. King Krule turns what is otherwise quite an overly aggressive rap track from a Minaj/Azealia/Iggy wannabe into something quite soft and surprisingly enjoyable. 
If rap is what you're after, then Kid Cudi has returned, releasing Cold Blooded. Kid tends to be a bit hit-and-miss with what he brings out, but I think he's hit the nail on the head with this track. It's got a great bouncy beat, and, as usual, Kid's vocals cut through it like a knife through butter. Glad to have you back, Kid. 
My guilty pleasure of the month has to be Kill Paris's Falling In Love Again, which has cheesy vocals and a dirty electro (bordering on Dubstep) beat. It's a total embarrassment. But I love it. 
My favourite lady of Pop, Lana Del Rey has been remixed by Cedric Gervais this month, who turns her song, Summertime Sadness into a banging house track that is guaranteed to get people off their asses and on the dancefloor. Fist pump, y'all.
Last year, Jakwob released Fade - a more commercial direction than he'd previously been involved in, but enjoyable nonetheless. This year, Fade has clawed back some credibility through Sane Beat's remix, turning it into an understated Trap track that is as simple as it is masterful. This is the kind of Trap I like, especially when it's done this well.
Poliça is, I have a feeling, someone we need to keep an eye on. Her song, Dark Star was one of my standout tracks of 2012. This year, Tiff has been expertly remixed by Doc McKinney, who retains her signature vocals in all their glory while still adding some glitches and wobbles in all the best places. Nice work. 
Moving on from Chillwave, we have some Indie, curtesy of SPEAK and Peaks (confusing), and I Break Horses and Denial. Feel-good and light-hearted, it exemplifies the new sound of Indie that I'm always going on about: more synth, generally higher male vocals (if not, female), you get the picture. For all you die-hard mid-00's Indie fans, I'd be interested to know what your view is on this 'new direction'.
Finally, I found a good Mash-up this week of R.Kelly and Phoenix by The Hood Internet. Listen. It's fun.

Wish List Mondays #36 - Ode To A Rose

In the risk of sounding a bit like a stalker: I've been watching Rose Byrne for a long time. About 13 years, in fact. Back then, cable (and therefore Parental Locks) were pretty new. I watched a lot of films I really shouldn't have been able to - American Pie, Oscar & Lucinda, Titanic, to name but a few. But one particular film has remained with me for another reason than its inappropriateness: My Mother Frank was the first film I saw that starred Rose Byrne. This film was not, by any stretch of the imagination, one of Australian film's more memorable offerings. In fact, I can't even remember the storyline. The only thing I do remember is seeing Rose, and thinking just how wonderful she was. To this day, any time she comes on the screen, I say "she's my favourite actress". Not because she can move me to tears, or because her roles have been particularly boundary-pushing, she's just so very...watchable. Most people know her as her 'typecast role' - the uptight bitch of Bridesmaids, I Give It A Year, and, more recently, The Internship. Her filmography is far more impressive, with roles in Star Wars II, I Capture the Castle, X-Men: First Class, Troy, 28 Days Later, Marie Antoinette...the list goes on. But this is not entirely a big-up of Rose Byrne as an actress. This is also a fashion post, and she is one of the few people I can think of who gets it consistently 'right'. She never has a hair out of place, yet manages to look effortlessly put-together, as if she hasn't even tried. To me, that's fashion. 

Get the look:

LOOK ONE

1. Modern Jersey & Mesh Body, Topshop, £20. Touch my body, here.
2. 'Malva' Single Strap Sandals, Reiss, £129. Strap on, here.
3. Gold-Plated Multi-Stone Earrings by Bounkit, Net-a-Porter, £140. Get stoned, here.
4. Super Base Metallic Scale-Print Skinny Jeans by Sass & Bide, The Outnet, £108 (Sale Price). Scale down, here.
5. Bowler Hat, H&M, £8. Bowled over, here.
6. Patterned Minaudière, Zara, £60. Pitter-patterned, here.
7. 18K Gold-Plated Make A Wish Charm Bracelet, Kirstin Ash Jewellery, £89. Wishful thinking, here.

LOOK TWO

1. 'Alex' Silk Crepe de Chine Top by Marc by Marc Jacobs, Net-a-Porter, £195. Holy Crepe, here.

2. Embroidered Metallic Tweed Skirt by Oscar de la Renta, Net-a-Porter, £1,330. Heavy metal, here. 

3. Cream Lip Colour in Barely Peach by Trish McEvoy, Selfridges, £22. Life's a peach, here.

4. Lilac Rose Eye Palette by Bobbi Brown, Selfridges, £45. Artist's palette, here.

5. Pointed Ballerina with Ankle Strap, Zara, £23. Angelina Ballerina, here.

6. 'Goslin' T-Bar Points, Topshop, £68. Get the point, here.

LOOK THREE

1. Cutout Bodycon Dress, Topshop, £40. Red hot, here.

2. '2285U' Curling Wand by Babyliss, Amazon, £30. Curl up, here.

3. Colour-Intense Lipstick in 'Liable' by Illamasqua, Selfridges, £17. You're so intense, here.

4. Combined Sandal with Stiletto Heel, Zara, £30. Well heeled, here.

5. Box Office Pandora Perspex Clutch by Charlotte Olympia, Net-a-Porter, £1,595. Break the Box Office, here.

Thank you, Rose.

Love,

Belle x

Inception

To all who might assume, from the title of this post, that I have returned to critiquing films, a word of warning: this is not my interpretation of one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s finest hours. This isn’t to say this will never happen, it’s just to say this isn’t it - yet. I have just returned from an amazing week in Paris with my friend (let’s call her Julia, for artistic purposes), who is quite remarkable for many reasons - not least for her amazing ability to inception anyone she chooses. In this particular case, the person that she chose to flex her mind-altering muscles on, was me. Let me paint a picture for you…

Julia is not wholly remarkable for her amazing ability to plant ideas into people’s heads. Oh no. In my case, she is also unique in the aspect that she is a friend, who also happens to be my ex’s sister (for more information on this topic, read my previous post, Don’t Worry, Baby). To all intensive purposes, we had a marvelous trip. Despite Paris being, on average, a scorching 32 degrees (that’s in Celsius, for all you American lovers of Fahrenheit), we managed to see, and enjoy, a plethora of cultural activities. But I won’t bore you with a myriad of Instagram-doctored photos of Paris and its attractions, instead I’d rather talk about our last night. There I was, winding down after a week of sightseeing and cultural exploits of the French capital, quietly packing my bag in the private confines of our beautiful hotel off the Champs Elysees (how’s this picture working for you?), making general small-talk about what we’ve got to look forward to after this trip has ended, when she interrupts me to say: “You’re so sad.” I stop packing and slowly turn to her. “What do you mean, like, ‘gay’ sad?” (Not one of my most mature interpretations, I admit.) “No,” she continued, “you’re just so unhappy - and the saddest thing is, you don’t even realise it.” Well, that last part was certainly true. As far as I was concerned, I am pretty happy - I mean, I haven’t got much to get down about at the moment: I’ve recently graduated with a not-too-shabby 2.1, I’ve landed a dream job in fashion marketing, I’m living in a lovely house, in a new city, and have money to shop, see friends, and travel with. Why would I be sad? “It pains me to see you so depressed about your ex-boyfriends,” she finished with. Well hold on there, Sally. I don’t remember mentioning anything about my ex-boyfriends. In fact, apart from the passing thought, I really don’t dwell on them much at all. Until now.

What I hadn’t realized was, with one, carefully placed comment, I had been totally inceptioned. I began to doubt whether I really was happy. Was I just pretending to be happy because I didn’t think I had anything to be sad about? Did I not have any time to be sad anymore because of the job? Was I so out of touch with myself that I project an exterior of sadness and depression that I was not even aware of? In other words, was what she was saying right? Shortly after our subsequent conversation, in which I talked - for the first time in months - about my disappointment in my inability to sustain friendship with my exes, we went to sleep. But this was only the beginning of her carefully planted seed. On the Eurostar home, I didn’t reminisce on our time in Paris. I reminisced about my old relationships, on where it went wrong after they ended, on where they went wrong before they ended - poisonous, black musings that plunged me right back to a mindset that I hadn’t wished to revisit ever again. Like a bad dream that I couldn’t wake myself from, I let every memory of failure, regret, and remorse wash over me, accompanied by the most depressing songs in my iTunes library. I started doubting whether I was truly over my relationships, whether I should have stuck them out, not ended them when I did, whether things would have gotten better. 

A year ago, I wrote a journal. Well, I call it a journal, but what it really was was therapy. I had come out of a relationship that had obliterated me to the core. I was working, so had no time to talk to anyone about it, so instead I worked through my thoughts by putting them down on paper (sound familiar?). I was sad then. In fact, sad would probably be an understatement. But am I still sad? No. There are memories, people, places, that bring up feelings of sadness. But if I let every one of those affect me, I’d be a nervous wreck. I think that goes for everyone. I have a scar on my wrist. I got it at boarding school when some girls pressed the heated metal on a lighter against my skin. People ask me about it, and I tell them that it hurt, but it used to be redder and now it’s faded. I think that’s like relationships. Time heals scars, but scars are still scars. People will ask you how you got them, and you will tell them the story. It doesn’t diminish their healing process, or the pain you felt when you got them. Julia’s inception was like pointing to the scar on my wrist and telling me “it’s bleeding”. All I had to do was look down to see it was fine. 

Love,
Belle x

Wish List Mondays #35 - Shoes, Shoes, Shoes.

Shoes, shoes, shoes. We love ‘em. By we, I mean me. I love shoes like nobody’s business. Some say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but give me a stacked heel or a platform wedge and I’m in Seventh Heaven. My grandma also shared my passion for pumps, platforms and peep-toes; one of my earliest shoe memories is trying on her 1970’s knee-high, high-heeled, brown leather boots and strutting around to Nancy Sinatra’s These Boots Are Made For Walking played on her ancient record player. Unfortunately I grew out of her beautiful collection of shoes around the age of 8, but I never grew out of my love for shoes (and handbags, but let’s leave that story for another day). Fast-forward 15 years, and here I am, sitting at my desk in the marketing department of one of the best-known shoe brands in the world. On top of a very healthy discount on in-store styles, I also have access to the backstage of the shoe business – the process of inspiration, design, and creation that goes into every pair of shoes we bring to market. So to celebrate the humble shoe, in its many shapes and forms, I’ve decided to put together a Wish List entirely dedicated to shoes. After all, there ain’t no business like shoe business! (Sorry.)

1. The Classic Court: Pigalle 120 Patent-Leather by Christian Louboutin, Net-a-Porter, £395. Buy them here.
2. The Trainer: Roshe Run Sail Pink Force by Nike, Office, £70. Buy them here.
3. The Brogue: Woven Straw by Fendi, Matches, £195 (Sale Price). Buy them here.
4. The Peep-Toe: Printed Platform Sandals, Zara, £16 (Sale Price). Buy them here.
5. The Wedge: Whispered Leopard-Print Cross-Over, Topshop, £45. Buy them here.
6. The Loafer: 'Hotel Chic' Tassle Flats, Clarks, £65. Buy them here.
7. The Ankle Boot: Buckled Brown Suede by See by Chloé, Net-a-Porter, £350. Buy them here.
8. The Pump: Ares Star Sign Red Suede by Charlotte Olympia, Net-a-Porter, £495. Buy them here.
9. The Bejewelled Sandal: 'Sail Cruise' Coral Suede, Clarks, £40. Buy them here.
10. The Riding Boot: Cavaliere Buckled Leather by Saint Laurent, Net-a-Porter, £975. Buy them here.
11. The Fashion Trainer: Alva Hi St Studded by Jeffrey Campbell, Office, £110. Buy them here.
12. The Statement Shoe: Spiked Suede Wedge Sandals by Guiseppe Zanotti, Net-a-Porter, £950. Buy them here.


Love,
Belle x

Tune Tape Tuesday #33

Here in Britain, we seem determined not to rest on the laurels of last Summer's Olympic Golds. What with Andy Murray winning Wimbledon, the Stones playing Glastonbury, and the sun shining for more than 4 consecutive days, it's set to be a Summer of just as many impressive firsts. Not wanting to feel left out, I've decided to break a little personal best of my own: this Tune Tape will be the BIGGEST yet, with 30 massive tracks to accompany your Summer. In light of the gargantuan size of this collection, I've decided not to blurb each track; I'll just do a paragraph outlining the best (just in case anyone gives a crap what I think). So with no further ado; I give you the Soundtrack to your Summer...

One of the stand out tracks of this week, if only for originality, is Sombear's Love You In The Dark. It's chillingly sexy, with a haunting, grinding, bassline wobble providing a backbone to some electrically altered vocals. Not quite Dubstep, not quite Electro, and not quite Chillwave, I've put it in its very own category of 'SexDrop'. Maybe it'll catch on, who knows.
Next up is Lane 8, who have been gaining a lot of exposure these past few weeks with some truly great Progressive House tracks - including, but not exclusive to, Be Mine. Prog House has got to be the best genre for the Summer months - none other would be at home in cars with the windows down, at barbeques, picnics, or sunbathing on the beach. Just invest in some good speakers.
For those that like their Drum'n'Bass served straight up, check out Seba with Identity, who mixes some classic DnB basslines and beats with other-worldly robotic lyrics. "This is my sound."
For some more of what I'm pioneering as 'SexDrop', have a listen to Stwo's Lovin U, which layers some beautiful female RnB lyrics on top of a wobble that makes you want to procreate. Alternatively, just switch on your subwoofer and let the bass make love to that.
I've talked a lot about the 'New Indie' sound, and The Night VI's exemplifies the female-led strand of the genre. With echoes of bands like The Jezabels and Camera Obscura, Thinking of You has a sadness and a strength about it; a vunerability that comes from the nature of the lyrics and a solidarity from the confident vocals. Good stuff.
I've been banging on about London Grammar for ages, and it would seem that at last they might get some global recognition: they've teamed up with Disclosure on their new track, Help Me Lose My Mind. As usual, Disclosure have guaranteed that you won't be able to get this song out of your head for weeks, but good on the boys for choosing such great artists to do collabs with. For a second serving of London Grammar, they've also released a solo track, Strong. With a distinctive 90's-inspired, feminist feel (take your cues from Alanis Morisette, No Doubt, Garbage, Madonna's Frozen), it really is a beautiful showcase of lead singer Hannah Reid's vocal range.
Right, hands up who likes saxophone solos? That's everyone then. This week I'm giving you double doses, first with Postiljonen's Atlantis, whose 80's sounding solo gives way an ethereal Chillwave number; secondly with Klingande and their Prog House track Jubel (think along the lines of Klangkarussell's Sonnentanz).
If you'd rather some Electro with your House, stick on Vicetone's remix of Matthew Koma's One Night. A total guilty pleasure, but hey, everything in moderation, right?
Seeing as you've nearly strayed into the world of Pop, why not jump right in and check out Urban Noize's remix of the utterly fabulous Lana Del Rey's new track, American, which features another chart heavyweight: Jay-Z. This is possibly the American equivalent of that collaboration Florence & The Machine did with Dizzee Rascal at Glastonbury. Legendary? You decide.
T'wouldn't be a Tune Tape without a cover or two. This week it's split between Parra for Cuva's cover of Chris Isaak's classic Wicked Games (a song I now have three different cover versions of on my iTunes. Apparently it never gets old.), and Alice Jemima taking on Blackstreet's No Diggity (of which, if you were paying attention, I featured Bondax's remix of last week - yay for continuity!). Parra for Cuva puts a groovy little salsa beat onto Isaak's original, as well as using female vocals to give it a different edge. I think it works. As for Alice Jemima, I still prefer Chet Faker's cover of the same song, but hey, good effort gal.
Jai Paul, after the success of relatively underground anthems like BTSTU and Jasmine, has returned with his new track, Track 3/Zion Wolf. It's a slightly different sound for him, perhaps a little more commercial, but no less catchy or enjoyable. Have a listen and see if you agree.
If you're up for a solo boogie (who isn't), stick on Figgy's track, Can't Hide, who, in a Giraffage style, mixes up the CeCe Peniston (lol) classic, Finally, in a totally awesome way. Forget tragic Dad-dancing on a wedding discofloor, this track comes with bags of street cred. Wig out, man.
Whenever I find a good mashup, I try to include it in the Tune Tape. This week's is Blood Orange's mix of Kendrick Lamar and The Sugababes. And who doesn't love the Sugababes? No-one? Well, let Blood Orange change your mind with this mashup - there's no guilt in this pleasure.
As we're on Pop, Panic City have remixed Maroon 5's new track, Love Somebody quite successfully. Although I have no idea what the original sounds like, they've laid down an Electro House pulse onto it, and come out with something that a DJ like Tiesto would be pretty proud of. Totally Euro, totally naughty, totally worth it.
On the back of their huge hit, 100%, Duke Dumont has released its new offering, Hold On, which is a bit more introspective and deep than their previous track. 'Hold On' to your hats, this one's gonna be big.
Finally for some Chillwave (swiftly turning into the signature genre of Tune Tapes), have a play of Brothertiger and Gallant, who serve up some self-searching music with In Mind and If It Hurts, respectively. Perfect for all my 'Rants' on here, but hopefully they'll provide some chilled-out contrast to your Summer playlist.

 

 

 

Whichever part of the Northern Hemisphere you're in, enjoy the Summer Sunshine!

 

Love,

Belle x

Wish List Mondays #34 - Do It Like A Dude.

After having packed up, and moved, my vast collection of clothes four times in the last month, I've realised that I have more Men's items in my wardrobe than Women's. Before anyone comments, this is not because I'm the kind of girl that steals the clothes left behind at the end of 'liaisons' (hi Mum), nor do I don a fake beard and stuff a pair of socks down my pants to pretend I'm a guy. The simple fact is: Men's clothes are simply more comfortable. They last longer because they're usually better quality, they're roomy so you can eat as much as you want, and you can pretend like your "boyfriend" gave them to you (when really you just bought it for yourself.). In Winter, there's nothing better than snuggling into an big man's jumper and curling up on the sofa. In summer, I like to wear men's shirts - as beach coverups, pyjamas, light jackets...they're probably the most versatile item I own. In light of my love for androgynous, or unisex, fashion, I've decided to devote a whole Summer Wish List to getting the ideal mix of feminine/masculine. So do it like a brother, or do it like a dude, here comes Wish List #34...

1. Short Sweatshirt Dress, H&M, £20. I just wanna make you sweat, here.
2. Cream Studded Bow Trim Straw Boater, River Island, £16. Pick the short straw, here.
3. Men's Kitsuné Jersey Mariniere, Petit Bateau, £42 (Sale Price). Jersey shore, here.
4. Sky Washed Oxford Slim Fit Shirt, Charles Tyrwhitt, £25 (Sale Price). Reach for the sky, here.
5. 152 Series Rose Gold-Plated Steel Watch by Uniform Wares, Mr Porter, £220. Man of Steel, here.
6. Signet Ring by Laura Lee, ASOS, £150. Put a ring on it, here.
7. Beige Shorts, H&M, £13. Who wears short shorts, here.
8. MOTO Vintage Boyfriend Tapered Jeans, Topshop, £42. Billy's jeans, here.
9. Le Pliage Medium Travel Bag in Graphite by Longchamp, Selfridges, £63. Travel my way, here.
10. 'Hamble Oak' Brogues in Nude, Clarks, £40 (Sale Price). Rogue in a brogue, here.
11. 'High Vamp' Loafers, Topshop, £50. Loaf around, here.


Love,
Belle x

Living for the Weekends - St Paul's Carnival

Well, Britain, what a bloody fantastic weekend. Not only did Andy Murray become the first Briton to win Wimbledon since Fred Perry 77 years ago, we were also treated to a weekend of pure, unadulterated sunshine - something that also hasn't happened in 77 years. This weekend I celebrated the hot weather by heading down to St. Paul's carnival, a Caribbean Street Festival hailed as the "better, and less commercial" Notting Hill Carnival. And, having sampled both in my lifetime, I'd have to say I agree. Bristol's older equivalent seems far more authentic - more music, more food, and less hectic - altogether, far more Caribbean. The carnival started on Friday night and lasted into the early hours of this morning. If it hadn't clashed with Wimbledon, you would have had some trouble stopping me from pitching a tent and staying there the whole weekend. Here's what I got up to...

Cuppy filled up with Rum'n'Lemon

Beer Garden @ Full Moon Pub

Drinks & Dancing

"Has anyone seen my Mummy?"

Facepainting!

...complete with BINDI!

Facepaint Pouters 

My First Goat Curry

Friends 4eva

The Holy Trinity

Argyle Road

Balloons?

Banksy, Park Street 

Watermelon Crusher / Nectar from the Gods

What did you get up to this weekend?

Love,

Belle x

Don't Worry, Baby.

There comes a time in every girls’ life that we are faced with the - often daunting - realization that we are turning into our mothers. In my case, this has been a slow, terrifying process. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum. She’s the best. But she - like most mothers - is a worrier. And recently I’ve realized, so am I.

The last two nights, I’ve dreamt about my ex-boyfriends. Not in any kind of sexual, or enjoyable, way, they’ve just featured - as supporting actors, if you will - in improbable, illusionary situations. Mentioning this on the way to work, one of the girls suggested I look up the ‘meaning’ of this in a Dream Dictionary. Well, with only so much entertainment derived from the ‘commuting hour’ of Radio 1, I thought “what the heck”. Here is what it said: 

To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-husband/wife, that you and your ex are kissing/fighting or that you and your ex got back together again suggests that something or someone in your current life is bringing out similar feelings you felt during that relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to similar behavioral patterns in your current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do not repeat the same mistakes…

Well that’s all very well and good, except I’m not in a current relationship, and I’m pretty sure the only guy I’m interested in at the moment isn’t stirring up any feelings of nostalgia, remorse or regret. But being a worrier, I worried. Are there similarities there - subconscious or otherwise? Am I doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past? The more I mused, the more reasons I thought up as to why these apparitions made an appearance in the first place. As some of you might know, I’ve recently moved to Bristol to start a job in fashion marketing. A job I landed with the help of one of my ex’s sisters. The same sister who, until recently, I was living with. My other ex’s sister gave me an internship last summer at a creative agency in London, which was crucial in gaining the experience necessary to even apply. Was this the reason I’d been dreaming about them? Was the relationship I have with their siblings “bringing out the similar feelings” I felt during my relationship with them? I’ll be honest, it’s definitely something I worry about. Because, let’s face it, it’s not particularly normal - let alone healthy - to shack up with your ex’s sister and pretend you’re not going to be reminded of them from time to time (or every day). My best friend has a pretty strong opinion on the matter. She simply can’t get her head around why I would put myself in a situation that made it impossible to forget and move on from my exes. And, if I hand’t had any experience in remaining friends with exes’ families, I’d think it was pretty fucking weird, too. Do I worry that I won’t escape my past relationships? Yep, all the time. Do I worry what people think when I tell them that I lived with my ex’s sibling? Or that I’ll never meet anyone new without them being slightly freaked out with the situation? Affirmative. But that is the reality of my life - I now talk to my exes’ families more than I talk to them (which is, at the moment, not at all). Does this make it awkward? Yes. But I don’t pretend like they haven’t made a conscious decision to be friends with me. I never expected - nor forced - them to have any degree of contact after my relationship ended with their brothers. It just turned out that way. 

So what is it like to be so close to families who’s brothers have broken your heart? Hard. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel anything when they talk about them. I worry if I made the right decisions, if I made mistakes I can never reverse, if things could have been different. They are questions I will never know an answer for, yet cannot stop thinking about. Every day I spend in their company resuscitates the pain I felt the first day being parted from them. Yet, in a way, I have the best of both worlds. My biggest worry when we were in a relationship was not what would happen to us after we broke up, but what would happen to my relationship with their family. Because, when you break up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, the general rule is that you also break up with their parents, siblings, and friends. Yet it hasn't happened to me. And I’m pretty sure it’s not because I’m too fabulous to let go of. Looking objectively at my life, I’d say I have it pretty good. My dream job, a respectable 2.1 degree, the prospect of travel, new friendships, and relationships, that come from living in a different city. Yet I dedicate my spare time to worrying about the minuscule aspects of my life I’m not happy with. I’m not happy I no longer have any contact with two people who played such a huge part in shaping who I am today. I’m not happy I still feel remorse, regret, and sadness over how my relationship with them ended. I worry that I will never find a real connection to anyone ever again, that I had my chance and let it slip away. I worry that I’ll have a great job, a life filled with worldly experience, a beautiful home, and no one to share it with. 

Some of you might roll your eyes, tell me to buck the fuck up, that I’m only 22 for Christ’s sake. And I’d totally agree with you. But I am my mother in one aspect: I am a worrier, trying to be a warrior. 

Love,
Belle x