For The Love Of Disney (Part II)

One of my first ever posts, For The Love Of Disney, got a lot of love when I published it, which is weird because it's probably the post I've spent the least time over! Anyway, as a thank you for all the wonderful comments I've had over the last three months, and for the astonishing number of page views the blog has received, I thought it was time for Round 2. Still the same premise as last time: what Disney films have taught me. I hope you enjoy it as much as Part I. Do keep letting me know what you guys are liking/not liking - it's always great to hear from you and get some feedback. Hope you're all well!

1. Pocahontas.

What Pocahontas taught me was that it's totes ok to disobey your father if there's a blonde hottie on the scene. Especially a blonde hottie, with a dubious British accent, who's arrived on a boat with a load of gun-toting racists. Gotta love a bad boy. It also taught me that peace between nations can be achieved by showing said hottie a family of bears and some coloured wind. So essentially, what we should be doing, is sending Al-Qaeda a bunch of David Attenborough documentaries. Thank you Pocahontas! I also learned that, in fashion, less is definitely more. Which might explain why I thought it ok to go out in an outfit like this:

I can now admit that this was a bad lesson to take away from the film, and I apologise to any John Smith's I may have offended.


2. Mulan.

Mulan taught me that it is absolutely fine to run away and become a cross-dresser - as long a you can win a medal for it. Which kinda reminds me of this meme:

On a side note - did anyone else find it a bit weird/gay that the Captain fancies Mulan after she 'comes out' as a girl? Ah well, I suppose if you're into that kinda stuff... I would also like to know how three men managed to hoist up a large horse, a very muscular man and a girl, both wearing armour, in the midst of an avalanche - how did Mulan manage to tie the string so quickly so it lifted up all three of them? Cross-dressers are so talented.


3. Sleeping Beauty.

I hear ya sister. Living with three old maids for 18 years would make me want to sleep for a century too. Personally, I think Maleficent is given a pretty hard time in the film. I mean, she's a pretty good looking woman - just check out those killer cheekbones. Incredible! The fairy godmothers, on the other hand, are short, old, and fat. Who left whom off the invite list again?  Just saying. However, the film was definitely successful in teaching children one thing in particular: needles are bad. Especially ones that send you to 'sleep'... read that as you will. It also taught me that if you're ever in trouble, a guy that you've only met ONCE will totally come to your rescue. Which reminds me - better put that random I met at Mahiki's last week on speed dial. 


4. Cinderella.

Cinderella taught me that if you are nice to mice then they will make a dress for you. Similarly, if you sing when you wake up in the morning, your back will be washed by birds in the shower. Well I've been doing both these things for 22 years and no mouse has ever made me a ball gown, and no bloody bird has washed my back. Disney's a fucking liar. But that aside, let's be honest: Cinderella is about as compelling as a wet flannel. No wonder her stepmother gave her so many chores - she was probably trying to instil some semblance of a backbone in her. Slave labour? No! It's character building! Also, not to be a bitch, but I preferred Cinderella pre-ball-makeover. The result's a little too 'gypsy wedding' for me. Tone it down.


5. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

According to Snow White, you can escape your horrible circumstances at home, shack up with a bunch of small men in the woods, and society will not think any less of you. I happen to think Snow White's a bit of a hoe. I mean, first she makes the huntsman fall in love with her so she doesn't get killed, then she leads on a group of dwarves (who probably have enough trouble being small and dwarfish without her screwing them over), and finally gets some hot prince to come wake her up from a spiked apple. Personally, I would have left her there. The world would be a safer place for all men. Plus what kind of idiot takes shit from strangers - especially ugly old women with warts. Just a tip: if the warts have spread to their face, you don't really want anything they've got.


What have Disney movies taught you?

Love,
Belle x